Psychoanalyst Selma Fraiberg wrote a famous essay entitled “Ghosts in the Nursery” that enlightened professionals regarding the powerful impact of early experiences on parents’ relationships with their children. Most people think of the impact of childhood experiences on parenting as a problem of “role-modeling.” Indeed, one way we are influenced by our parents as we are growing up is through simple observation. However, our emotional and behavioral responses to our children are much more than learned behaviors. Following are just a few of the ways that I believe we may carry “ghosts” from the past into our present lives as parents.

#1. If I did not experience affection or nurturing as a child, I may have “shut down” my own needs for closeness – in order to cope as a child. I may have learned to stay a bit distant and to be extremely self-sufficient as a way to avoid feeling rejected or hurt. As an adult, then, I may feel very uncomfortable when my child crawls up on my lap wanting affection. I may be at risk for pushing my child away physically, leaving my child with unmet needs for closeness.

#2. If my parents were excessively controlling, I may have grown up with a desperate desire to feel some control and power in my life. As a result, I may have a strong need to be in control in my home, at my job, and in my relationships. This need to be in control may interfere with being able to attune to the feelings and needs of my children.

#3. If I was abused in some way as a child, I may carry a high level of hypervigilance. The presence of my child may trigger memories of my own childhood, leading to feelings of anxiety. I may become severely overprotective regarding my child’s safety – or, when my child is angry, I may withdraw in fear.

Journaling, working with a therapist, a trauma resolution therapy such as EMDR, or participating in self-help groups can help banish ghosts and free parents to develop healthier parent-child relationships. It is possible to break generational cycles of unhealthy parenting. It is even possible to make repairs. I once worked with an 85-year-old mother and helped her repair her relationship with her 55-year old daughter. It is never too late!