Psychoanalyst Selma Fraiberg wrote a famous essay entitled “Ghosts in the Nursery” that enlightened professionals regarding the powerful impact of early experiences on parents’ relationships with their children. Most people think of the impact of childhood experiences on parenting as a problem of “role-modeling.” Indeed, one way we are influenced by our parents as we are growing up is through simple observation. However, our emotional and behavioral responses to our children are much more than learned behaviors. Following are just a few of the ways that I believe we may carry “ghosts” from the past into our present lives as parents.

#1. If I did not experience affection or nurturing as a child, I may have “shut down” my own needs for closeness – in order to cope as a child. I may have learned to stay a bit distant and to be extremely self-sufficient as a way to avoid feeling rejected or hurt. As an adult, then, I may feel very uncomfortable when my child crawls up on my lap wanting affection. I may be at risk for pushing my child away physically, leaving my child with unmet needs for closeness.

#2. If my parents were excessively controlling, I may have grown up with a desperate desire to feel some control and power in my life. As a result, I may have a strong need to be in control in my home, at my job, and in my relationships. This need to be in control may interfere with being able to attune to the feelings and needs of my children.

#3. If I was abused in some way as a child, I may carry a high level of hypervigilance. The presence of my child may trigger memories of my own childhood, leading to feelings of anxiety. I may become severely overprotective regarding my child’s safety – or, when my child is angry, I may withdraw in fear.

Journaling, working with a therapist, a trauma resolution therapy such as EMDR, or participating in self-help groups can help banish ghosts and free parents to develop healthier parent-child relationships. It is possible to break generational cycles of unhealthy parenting. It is even possible to make repairs. I once worked with an 85-year-old mother and helped her repair her relationship with her 55-year old daughter. It is never too late!

Over the years, I have worked with many adults who were adopted as infants or adopted from overseas or from the U.S. foster system. A common theme I have heard from every adult was, “No one ever talked to me about being adopted. No one talked to me about the things I had experienced. No one ever explained to me about my biological family. No one ever asked me how I felt about any of it, and I thought it wasn’t OK for me to ask.” They describe growing up feeling alone, confused, and insignificant. The words of these adults provide important information for all of us: Children need the adults to approach the difficult topics with them.

I have run into several myths over the years that lead well-meaning grown-ups to leave children in the dark:

Myth #1. If my child experienced some difficult events in his past, discussion of these events will be harmful to him.

Response: Naturally, a child shouldn’t be told inappropriate and overwhelming details of his past, and the past should be discussed with attunement to the child’s level of development and maturity–but making the subject off-limits is more harmful to children’s emotional welfare than being open with them.

Myth #2. If I don’t talk about my child’s past with him, he will eventually forget all about it so that it won’t be an issue for him.

Response: Sometimes the unspoken past becomes an elephant in the room. It looms large, it never goes away, it feels like a big obstacle, and the child feels helpless to do or say anything. Children will say nothing because they believe they are supposed to say nothing. Remember, too, that events that are buried in the subconscious will continue to impact our children’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Myth #3. If my child hasn’t brought up his past, it means he doesn’t think about it and it isn’t an issue.

Response: Remember back to your own childhood. Think about all the things you thought about, wrote about in journals or diaries, or talked with your friends about that you would never have imagined discussing with your parents. Children are like iceburgs—we only see a little piece of them on the surface. We have to connect and reach out to understand children’s innermost feelings and thoughts.

Many children are full of erroneous beliefs and ideas. By talking with our children and staying emotionally present to them, they feel safe to ask questions and express their feelings, and we can provide reassurance and help correct any erroneous beliefs and ideas they may be carrying. Children with a traumatic past need to be frequently reminded that they are lovable, that they did not cause the traumatic events, and that their current parents love them and will always be there for them.

Many traumatized children and their parents need the assistance of a mental health practitioner skilled in working with trauma, because of the way trauma impacts thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and interrupts typical developmental tasks of childhood.