The title of the song by Huey Lewis and the News makes me think about children with a history of attachment trauma. And the answer is frequently no. They do not believe in love. Parents can tell them they love them and they don’t believe it, because they don’t know what it means. Anyone who is wired for survival stays in hypervigilant mode most of the time, which precludes feelings of connections, closeness, and security. Our children have to really experience love at a deep, somatic level to believe in its existence – and to believe they are truly loved and treasured. But how do we give them that kind of experience when we are also in survival mode, trying to manage their behaviors day after day? I think providing the experience of love has to planned, and for some families, the experience has to take place with the help of a therapist, because otherwise it is just too difficult! The most ideal situation is regular, daily time to let go of all the conflicts and frustrations and snuggle, talk, and be close. Bedtime is a wonderful time for planned nurturing, but first thing in the morning closeness can help to start the day off right with a traumatized child!
Category Archives: Therapy
She said, “I Think I Have Read Too Many Books on RAD.”
A mom in my office today had an epiphany after her adopted son beautifully verbalized his deep-seated belief that he is unloved and unlovable. She said, “I think I have read too many books on RAD (reactive attachment disorder) over the years that told me that RAD kids manipulate and parents must stay in control of them. I think what my son really needs is to be smothered in love.”
When many professionals think about attachment therapy, they still think about a therapy involving forced holding or aggressive confrontations. The diagnosis of RAD also brings up a picture of a child who is rage-filled and driven by a need to control and manipulate in the minds of many. These ideas were widespread through the decade of the nineties. The extreme approaches to Reactive Attachment Disorder were probably a reaction to the extreme behaviors observed in children with a history of changes in caregivers and early maltreatment. The science of the brain and research in the field of trauma has helped moved the field of attachment therapy beyond this earlier thinking, and understand the behaviors associated with RAD as a natural and expected response to early maltreatment by caregivers and traumatic loss.
Children with a history of attachment trauma are wired for survival, and children with a “survival brain” are constantly reacting to the world around as threatening and dangerous. They understandably view attachment figures as untrustworthy and undependable, and they cannot imagine being loved or feeling lovable. As parents and professionals, we become more effective in healing and helping our hurt children when we understand the emotions underlying their challenging behaviors.
Why is EMDR Important in the Treatment of Children and Adults with Early Trauma?
Early trauma experienced in the home impacts the brain and overall mental health of the developing child. When parents are behaving in a manner that frightens their children, their children are in a double-bind: “The person to whom I wish to run is at the same time the source of my fear.” With no way to find comfort, the brain becomes disorganized, and it wires itself to be reactive to survive in a dangerous environment. The child’s early experiences teach him that it is not safe to trust or be close, that he is not lovable, and that he must be in charge of getting his own needs met in his own way. Early traumas are stored in the limbic region of the brain, encapsuled in neural networks with the negative beliefs and feelings present at the time of the trauma. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) stimulates important centers in the right and left hemisphere of the brain that help integrate the stored negative beliefs, feelings, and memories with helpful, adaptive information in the brain. The right-left brain stimulation reaches into the limbic brain in a way that “talk therapy” alone cannot, calming the reactive survival brain.