Tag Archives: attachment

Understanding the Problems of Parents and Children Through the Lens of Attachment

Parents Comforting Their SonThe Advantages of a Secure Attachment

 The research in the field of attachment opens up a whole new world for all of us in understanding the problems of parents and children.  Attachment is the emotional connection between any two people.  However, life’s first attachments are by far the most important, as they set a template for all later relationships.  Attachment between children and parents evolved naturally eons ago, as the children who developed a strong need to remain near their parents were the ones who were most likely to survive – both physically and psychologically.

Children who feel the most secure in their early relationships with their parents have tremendous advantages in life.  They tend to grow up feeling good about themselves and others.  They cope well with life’s ups and downs, and they have a strong capacity for empathy.  These children naturally form other healthy, close relationships as they go out into the world.  Children who have not developed a healthy, secure attachment with parents tend to grow up feeling more anxious and insecure, disconnected, and angry.

 Four Ingredients of Secure Attachment

There are four main ingredients to a secure attachment relationship.  The first is affectionate touch and eye contact.  Cradling an infant, cuddling a toddler, and hugging a teenager all increase the sense of connection, especially if loving contact takes place on a daily basis throughout the growing up years.

The second ingredient is emotional attunement.  Children feel close when they sense their parents care about their feelings.  When parents soothe the distressed infant, reassure the frustrated toddler, or comfort the worried preschooler they are strengthening the parent-child bond.

The third ingredient is shared pleasure.  Parents and children enjoy one another through shared play, games, jokes, and giggles.  Mutual enjoyment increases children’s feelings of connection with their parents.

Finally, children need an environment that is consistent, predictable, and safe in order to be vulnerable, open and trusting with their parents.  Without this kind of protective, dependable environment children develop emotional walls to keep their parents and others at a distance.

Obstacles to a Secure Attachment

All babies and children are biologically programmed to attach to their parents, but not all children develop quality attachments.  There are several situations that can interfere with a good attachment.  For example, children with a difficult temperament may be so highly active or so extreme in their emotions that their parents naturally have difficulty connecting with them either physically or emotionally.  Chronic pain or separations due to hospitalizations may interfere with feelings of comfort and enjoyment, preventing the development of healthy bonds.  Children who endured an abusive or chaotic early life and who are later placed with an adoptive family may have intense fear and hurt, and their emotional walls may be difficult to penetrate.

Parents who live in stressful circumstances may have difficulty creating secure attachments.  Out of necessity they may be so preoccupied with solving the problems of living and coping that they are unable to tune into their children’s feelings and needs.  Parents with addictions are unable to stay attuned to their children or provide a consistent, safe environment because they are preoccupied with the addictive substance or behavior, and the whole family may be on the addictions roller coaster together.

Finally parents who grew up without secure attachment relationships themselves often have difficulty providing the ingredients of a secure attachment relationship with their own children.  Parents who did not experience nurturing and closeness growing up may feel uncomfortable with closeness and may subsequently distance themselves from their youngsters.  Parents who were mistreated as children may have an excessive need to exert control over their children in order to avoid feeling vulnerable.  Parents who were mistreated may perceive normal child misbehaviors as attempts to mistreat or hurt them, leading to angry overreactions.  Parents who feel unlovable may fear their children don’t love them, so they may attempt to placate their children or give them things to get them to love them more.  Parents who were not securely attached in childhood may be disconnected from their feelings, or they may be emotionally overwhelmed.

There is Hope for Parents and Children

Most parents love their children and want to give them the best start in life possible.  By gaining a clear understanding of attachment and the obstacles they are facing, parents can overcome their difficulties and create stronger bonds with their children.  Parents who lacked quality bonds as children can learn to identify and overcome the effects of their own early experiences so that they may give their children a better emotional start to life than the one they had.

(Photo: Dollar Photo Club Purchase)

Attachment in the Digital Age

My friend and colleague, Joan Lovett MD,Confident Parent said to me not long ago, “I think there will be a syndrome resulting from infants and children attempting to interact with their parents while the parents are talking on their cell phones or playing on their ipods.”  I am afraid she may be right.  There is so much more to DISTRACT us from being really present with our children than there ever was before.  I myself have carried on a kind of “half there” conversation with a family member while on my laptop or returning text messages.  Truly, it is not possible to be “all there” with someone while simultaneously on an electronic gadget.  Due to technological advances, the “gadgets” are becoming more and more compelling, and as we have more and more ways to communicate electronically, the demands for constant communication are increased.  I think as parents (and even as grandparents!), we need to be mindful to contain our electronics to specific times in our day and avoid allowing “screen time” to bleed over into family time.  “Half there” communication with our offspring breeds insecure attachments and feelings of isolation. Our youngsters need to see themselves reflected in our eyes as we look at them, listening but also attuning to their facial expressions and body language.  Our physical and emotional presence teaches them that they are worthy.

Attachment in Adulthood – Early Bonding Contract

Lendora_Clifford_002Infants are born with a natural instinct to bond.  There is an innate fear that without a loving adult present, they will die.  Separation anxiety grows stronger throughout the first year of life, as the infant becomes more attached and feels even more dependent upon one or two primary attachment figures.  Although an infant does not yet have language, infants are wonderful observers and fast learners.  (Ninety percent of brain development occurs in the first two years of life!)  The infant begins developing a set of rules for himself to keep his parent closer and to ease his anxiety.  The rules are the essence of the “early bonding contract.” (I heard this term first from Bertrand Cramer, M.D., at a presentation at the Menninger’s Clinic in Topeka.)

A healthy bonding contract might include, “If I express my needs, I will get my needs met.  If I smile, I can get my parent to smile back.  I don’t have to worry, someone will always be there for me.”

But an infant in greater distress might hold the following rules: “I must keep quiet to keep my parent nearby,”  “I must blend into the woodwork,” “I must not have needs.”  Or another infant might find that the opposite rules are more effective:  “I must yell, scream, kick, and make myself heard in order to get someone to notice and give me what I need to live.”

Infants and children do what they have to do to survive.  If the bonding contract rules work for the infant, he can keep his anxiety at a low ebb.  If the rules work sometimes and not other times, the infant may stay continuously on high alert.

Later in life, an early bonding contract may become an “unlivable agreement” (a term I heard years ago from Landry Wildwind during an EMDR workshop) that causes problems in adulthood relationships.  If I learned to shut down my feelings and show no vulnerability in order to keep my attachment figures around, my partner or potential partner may find me  hardened and unfeeling.  If I learned to scream and yell to get my attachment figures to meet my needs, my partner or potential partner may find me demanding, dramatic, and overwhelming.  What worked to survive as an infant, may potentially sabotage my relationships in my adult life.

The real problem with the unlivable agreement, in my opinion, is its tenaciousness. Because the early bonding contract consists of rules for survival, and breaking those rules means potential annihilation, breaking the rules at any age sends alarms up through the nervous system.  One adult might say, “Expressing myself when I am supposed to be quiet makes me feel like I will die.”  Another might say, “Keeping calm and trusting that my partner will stay with me feels like a recipe for abandonment.”

I’m a big believer in the power of inner child work to address deep-seated beliefs and fears that are rooted in infancy and toddlerhood.  Creating a safe place for the younger self, providing safety, care, and nurturing through imagery can be a powerful tool for healing.  EMDR is a modality that increases the power by reaching into the limbic system with bilateral stimulation.  Awareness is the first step.  The rest consists of self-nurturing, self-compassion, healing, and intentional changes in small steps.

When I walked into the office this morning…

MiaI conducted a training along with my wonderful colleagues Stefanie Armstrong and Cathy Schweitzer here in Omaha yesterday, and the entire group became involved in a discussion regarding how traumatized children and adults over-read anger on faces.  Even facial expressions that exhibit sadness, boredom, or fatigue can be easily read as anger or disapproval.  Voice tones that are monotone or bored are read the same way.   We teach parents the importance of lifting the eyebrows, using a lighter voice tone, being playful and light, as part of developing stronger bonds with hurt children.

I woke this morning a little dismayed about the idea of going into work after conducting a 3-day training here (still jet-lagged from Hong Kong–plus a couple of inches of new snow on the ground to deal with.)  However, when I walked into the office, I was greeted by the kind of scenario that plays itself out all the time here.  My colleagues Cathy and Bonnie were bantering with all the children and the adults in the waiting room.  There was lots of laughter and chaos.  There was a cute, red-haired kiddo lobbying for a good movie for the DVD player.  The atmosphere of laughter and love that we have here immediately lifted my mood and energized me for the day.  Though our group is made up of 10 women who are extremely skilled professionals, there is no pretense, stuffiness, or arrogance in this group. The tone is light, the atmosphere is one of warmth and acceptance.   No wonder so many kids and adults feel immediately at home here.  I am really grateful for this.